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This is my blog where I will ramble about things I care about and my feelings and blah blah blah. Sorry for any typos, I'm an idiot.
Also there are mentions of suicide and self harm and shit like that so if that's gonna freak you out, dont read it.
RAMBLING - 6/27/2024 - 4:39pm
Cutting is so addictive to me for some reason. It's like I can't stop thinKing about it and wanting to do it. Sometimes it's for no reason, I just feel like shit and would rather feel the pain instead. Other times it's because I am angry, stressed, or feeling particularly suiciial that day and it helps with that stuff. I dont know how to really explain it and how it makes me feel i guess the bst way to put it is that it makes me feel alive. It takes me out of my head and brings me back + it just feel fucking awesome if I am being completeley honest. It makes me feel in control. I get to cut myself and slice my skin up as much as I like and there is no one who can stop me from taking this out on myself. I think it is one of those things that you won't fully understand unless you do it.
I try to remind myself of the negative aspects of self harm when I get the urge to do it again. Dealing with the cuts days/weeks later is always a pain in the ass. Having to hide all of it is annoying as well. I'm scared that my family will find out about it. I honestly don't know what I will do if that happens. I know I can't keep doing this to myself and although I have had the urge to do it alot lately, I have only cut once in the past month. It was a couple of days ago and it felt really good. I missed hurting myself and how it made me feel. The hardest part of not cutting is figuring out why I shoulsn't do it. To me it feels like it is my descion what I chose to do to myself and if I want to cut why is that a problem? I understand there are dangers involved with self harm but if I am aware of those dangers and decide to do it anyway what's the issue? I can't tell if how I think about this topic is rational or I am just making excuses for my habits.
Sometimes it feels like I will never get over this if I am being completeley honest. Why is it so hard to let go of this when all it is doing is hurting me.
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH - 6/26/2024 - 2:19am
Well, I got my first job and quit my first job in the same week. I thought it would be a good idea to get some extra cash over summer but it was terrible lol. I did not expect it to be that stressful. On my third day I overslpet and just said fuck it and didnt go in or call in... employee of the month right here. My manager texted me and I told her I quit. I wokred 3 shifts, the first one was terrible because I had to be cashier but the other 2 days were just stocking shelfs and stuff like that.
Updates - 6/25/2024 - 6:18pm
Redid my entire website, and I am much happier with it now. I also changed the name, it used to be Sick Sad Obsession but now I will call it Unhallowed. I am loving how it's coming out. I have some more stuff to change/update but I got a lot of it done last night.
Right now... - 6/2/2024 - 8:57pm
I don't know what the purpose of this entry will be, but I'm just gonna type because….. why not. I don’t really feel anything right now. I'm not happy or sad, I’m just here. This is one of the things I have been noticing lately is I’m not really sad anymore, but I am definitely not happy either. I feel very empty, and blank.
I’m listening to Comfortable Liar by Chevelle. I have some epic plans for later….. Not really I'm just gonna get really high and watch Youtube while struggling to keep my eyes open. Or maybe I’ll watch a movie or something, idk yet. I like getting super high, to where you feel like you’re on another PLANET. Fighting off the sleep and the relaxation that flows over me. Sometimes I just say fuck it and go to sleep, but I like to stay up for it. I like how it feels. I love to just get high and zone out. I also might go get a Slurpee and some snacks before I get fried, if I feel like it. This is all my life is right now. There's not much to do. I wish I didn't have to do drugs to have fun and feel good. I mean I guess I dont HAVE to do that. I could quit weed and stop drinking right now, but my life would be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much more boring.
Well this was a weird entry, I thought it might have been cool to just type without a plan/topic but idk what this is lmao.
NEW MERCH!! - 5/14/2024 - 9:40pm
My KMFDM merch came in today! I love it so much ^_^ They sent me a sticker with it too, which sounds dumb but I really like stickers (I mean who doesn't)
Sometimes - 5/7/2024 - 11:48pm
Sometimes living sucks and just the thought of having to exist and intereact with people makes me want to blow my head off. I just want to be a normal person who can function in this society normally but I dont know if that will ever happen. Im barely hanging on but what does it matter. Everyting just keep building up inside of me. I do dumb shit to try and feel better but it always comes back. I've been drinking a lot lately to escape but that only lasts so long. I used to hurt myself a lot and still do sometimes but that doesnt help anything either, it just proves to myself that I am a piece of shit. There's no point to our existence and it's hard to want to keep going when everything feels pointless. In the end its up to me what I do maybe I will kill myself, maybe I wont I honestly just know anymore. Im honestly just so fucking sad and empty at this point.
THIS SITE - 5/6/2024 - 1:50am
I have been having so much fun making this site over the past couple of weeks. I like being able to make my own little corner of the internet and being able to make it however I want. I don't know why but this project has been a lot of fun and it gives me somewhere to express myself and talk about everything I am interested in. I feel like I could just keep adding and updating stuff forver. The worst part is I'm not even good at coding and my site isn't even that cool but I love it because I made it, does that sound corny/lame? Probably but who cares.
REB DOOMER - 4/30/2024 - 1:03am
I checked out an archive of REB's webpages and it was honestly pretty cool. I wish I could have met him and had conversation with him. He is very interesting to me. It's crazy to think he died before I was even born. Him and V should still be alive, if only people cared about kids like us. No one cares until you do something drastic like kill yourself or yknow the whole blow up your school thing. People always talk about the warnings signs after someone is gone but they never do anything about it when they are here.
Lifelover, Homicidal Tendencies - 4/23/2024 - 2:56am
I want to smile and laugh
Without having to be polite
I want to understand people
Instead of feeding off their misery
I want to help those in need
Not fuck it up for every fucker
But mainly I want to kill everyone else
And then myself
First Entry - 4/21/2024 - 1:16am
This is my first blog entry. Idk how much I will actually blog, but the idea of having on sounded cool lol. We will see. I am currently listening to Paradise by KMFDM.