4-20-1999

THE DAY ERIC HARRIS AND DYLAN KLEBOLD MADE HISTORY.

I LOVE LEARNING ABOUT COLUMBINE AND I AM NOT SURE WHY. AT TIMES I FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON FOR BEING INTERESTED IN SUCH A TOPIC. HOW COULD I FEEL BAD FOR SCHOOL SHOOTERS? WHY DO I CARE ABOUT ERIC AND DYLAN AT ALL? DOES THAT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON? I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT A LOT OVER TIME BUT MY INTEREST IN IT HAS ONLY GROWN. I DON'T THINK IT IS WRONG TO BE INTERESTED IN COLUMBINE OR OTHER MASS SHOOTINGS. IT'S NOT LIKE I AM GOING TO GO OUT AND BLOW UP MY SCHOOL BECAUSE I AM INTERESTED IN COLUMBINE... IM NOT RETARDED. I WOULD NEVER HURT ANOTHER PERSON. ALTHOUGH I DONT LIKE LIFE OR HUMANS MUCH, I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE AND THEIR FAMILY. WITH THAT BEING SAID, I STILL ADMIRE ERIC AND DYLAN.

I LIKE WATCHING THE VIDEOS THEY MADE, AND I WISH SO BADLY THAT I COULD SEE THE BASEMENT TAPES. THEY WERE PLOTTING THEIR REVENGE AND NO ONE HAD ANY CLUE. THEY GOT TO PLAY GOD, DECIDED WHO GOT TO LIVE THAT DAY. I THINK I RELATE A LOT TO HOW THEY FELT. FEELING SAD AND ANGRY, UNSURE ABOUT WHERE YOUR LIFE IS HEADED. DYLAN WROTE MORE EMOTIONALLY IN HIS JOURNAL AS HE TALKED ABOUT NOT LIKING LIFE AND BEING SUICIDAL AND WELL, I RELATE TO THAT. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW THEY FELT THE DAY OF THE MASSACRE. KNOWING IN A COUPLE OF HOURS YOU WILL BE KILLING YOUR CLASSMATES AND THEN YOURSELF. I OFTEN WONDER HOW DIFFERENT THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN IF THEIR PLAN ACTUALLY WORKED. IF THE BOMBS WOULD HAVE WENT OFF AND THEY DID END UP KILLING EVERYONE IN THE CAFETERIA LIKE THEY PLANNED. IMAGINE THAT HEADLINE, 400 DEAD INSTEAD OF 13.

I THINK IT IS STRANGE HOW EVERYONE TRIED TO BLAME THE MUSIC AND GAMES REB AND V WERE INTO AS "THE PROBLEM". THE MEDIA BLAMING MANSON WHEN HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITHT THE SITUATION WAS RETARDED, AND PEOPLE WERE DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE IT. I HATE HOW PEOPLE ARE SO QUICK TO PLACE THE BLAME BUT NEVER WANT TO TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR. MAYBE IF PEOPLE ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT KIDS LIKE US AND TRIED TO HELP US INSTEAD OF JUST IGNORING US AND LETTING US STRUGGLE, MAYBE THINGS LIKE THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN. I AM NOT SAYING THERE WERE DEFINETLY THINGS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE TO STOP ERIC AND DYLAN BUT WHO KNOWS? MAYBE THEY COULD STILL BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW IF SOMEONE CARED A LITTLE MORE.

I WASN'T EVEN ALIVE AT THE SAME TIME AS ERIC AND DYLAN, THEY DIED 7 YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN. IF THEY WANTED TO BE REMEMBERED, WELL THEY GOT THAT. IT'S BEEN 25 YEARS SINCE THEY SHOT UP THEIR HIGH SCHOOL AND THEY STILL HAVE FUCKED UP KIDS LIKE ME AMAZED BY THEM.

ERIC AND DYLAN WERE NOBODIES, JUST LIKE ME. THEY MADE PEOPLE RESPECT THEM AND PAY ATTENTION TO THEM THAT DAY. STRIKING FEAR INTO THOSE WHO OVERLOOKED THEM FOR SO LONG. I CAN'T LIE, I THINK ABOUT IT SOMETIMES. WHAT IS IT LIKE? WHAT IS IT LIKE TO GUN DOWN YOUR CLASSMATES AND HAVE THEM PLEADING FOR THEIR LIFE. HOW WOULD IT FEEL?

BUT WE ALL KNOW HOW REB AND V'S STORY ENDED.... THAT PICTURE OF THEM IN THE LIBRARY MAKES ME SO SAD. SEEING THEM LIKE THAT, LAYING WITH THEIR BRAINS FALLING OUT OF THEIR SKULLS. THAT PICTURE IS SELF DESTRUCTION ON FULL DISPLAY. IMAGINE THE FINAL MOMENT OF THEIR LIVES... I WONDER WHO DID IT FIRST, OR IF IT WAS A ZERO DAY COUNTDOWN MOMENT (I DOUBT IT).